Light in the End of the Tunnel

This is my first English post. I decided to translate this one due to massive positive feedback.

They say, if you want to write something good, first think about what you would like to read, and then just go and write it. I really like reading and writing funny stuff, but the subject makes it tricky. I've been thinking about this post for more than two years now, and funny words just won't come. And in the meanwhile, somebody, just like me three years ago, and just like me two years ago, and also just like me only half a year ago, is crying and sobbing in the bathroom looking at the single line on the test, or at the bloody stains on the underwear, wondering, why such a worthless thing as me is still alive.

So I don't want to wait any longer, and present this piece, which I would have loved to read years ago. And which I needed as bad as air a half a year ago, when I understood I could not take it any longer, and took a long-term sick leave at work, to find the peace of mind, or at least a valid reason to live. Maybe for somebody this text will mark such a point in time when they could think differently for a moment or two, and would consider that pain and despair do not necessarily have to be the key features of life.

While you are inside the situation, every question, advice or comment hurts you badly. And the range of such comments is quite wide, from innocent and even friendly ones to truly intruding and invading your personal space.

— You might be not interested in kids now, I had a friend who also could not care less, and now she starts this topic herself! You'll be there in no time also.
— Oh these youngsters, you only think about yourself and your career like it's the most important thing in life...
— You are married for so long! What are you waiting for?
— You'd better not delay this for too long... You know, it's only becoming more difficult with age!
— If it does not work out, you have to try harder. And more often, you know!
— Getting pregnant is easy, what comes afterwards is much harder!
— You still don't have kids? You are probably sick, I know some good doctors in Germany/Israel/US.

And the winner of my own chart is:
— What? You are ALREADY 28 and you haven't tried a single IVF cycle?

I do not only read this in the public pages, instagram profiles and forums, where everyone is smart, beautiful, has 3 PHD degrees, perfect abs and toned arms and starts their mornings with kegel exercises... I hear it from my family and friends, who I expect to be silently supportive (or at least just supportive). The frequency of hearing all these opinions grows exponentially with every year of marriage. You feel like crying, when even your own mom is not against you, but with them...

I politely nod at each advice, and pretend I've just heard it for the first time. Relax, enjoy your sex, go on vacation, try to not think about it and even (I'd really like to unhear this one) maybe try it with somebody else than your husband. As if during these years I haven't asked myself one thousand times: why me? What did I do wrong? What am I paying for? Of course I have found some answers, scolded myself for the mistakes, for the lies and for the pain I've done to others around me, hated myself for the irresponsible behavior towards my health and my body... Many times I thought that apparently, my love to my husband is not strong or sincere enough. Or maybe his love to me.

I like the comparison between the pain and a tunnel. You don't see or hear anything while you are inside. You are isolated from the rest of the world. It's dark, cold and you feel lost. But every tunnel comes to an end, and so does the pain. And at the moment when you realize that you have survived the pain, and it's not part of you anymore, at the moment when you see it at a distance, just like the exit from the tunnel, - at this very moment I want to get back to the dark cold and scary tunnel and walk along it by touch, look for those who are lost and lonely and lead them by the hand, repeating like a mantra:

Your happiness does not depend on having a baby, girl.  
It does not actually depend on anyone at all.

It does not depend on your kid, spouse, lover, parents, boss, government... There is no one in this world who could define what you have to do and what to thrive for, except for YOU.
You are the creator of your own future. You are a unique, talented, peculiar.
You can do everything, literally.

You can do research, or fly into space. You can become a manager or start studying for a new degree. You can change your job or quit and become a stay-at-home-wife. You can become an actress, painter, or musician. You can write a book or start a blog. You can create content influencing thousands of readers around the world. You can become a political leader, bringing your vision to the public...

I would really like my voice to be louder than those who claim a woman NEEDS a kid ("you'll understand when you give birth"). I want to be more convincing than those who shout that a woman in her 30s without a kid is either sick or stupid. I do not want to argue that kids equals happiness. I truly believe that. I want to argue that you are not worthy if you didn't give birth, and if you are not a mom.

Dear all, who finds themselves in the tunnel. You are not alone there. We can always talk (or just get silent together) about this or anything else. Just leave any comment under this post.

And yes, I just realized how coming out feels. It's like a puzzle of your life is missing a piece, the brightest one and in the middle of the picture. It's really hard to find the courage to talk about it, because for everyone, you seem complete. But when you finally dare to, it suddenly appears that the missing piece is turning the whole picture into a 3D model, with the colors being so bright you could have never imagined.